My Fake AI Startup

One of my goals this past year was to launch a new fake company and I’m proud to share that I didn’t let it slide. Today, I’m introducing W/AI.

W/AI, or With AI, is a new kind of technology consulting firm. We don’t actually advise companies on how to build AI into their products. We’re not going to tell you how to incorporate these intelligent tools into your daily workflows. Instead, we help you find ways to pretend you’re using AI, so that your business appears more modern and future-focused. We don’t accept payment for our work and, for legal reasons, we don’t acknowledge the contributions we make, either. But we do sell t-shirts:

Before I share the W/AI founding story and technocratic raison d’etre, allow me to explain my extensive history with imaginary businesses.

The Rise of Cheesepockets

Years ago, during the dotcom boom, an investment banking friend and I created a business plan for a revolutionary food and beverage brand called Cheesepockets. Our elevator pitch:

There are billions of people on the planet. Many of those people wear pants. Many of the pockets in those pants are empty. We all get hungry during the day, too.

What if I told you that you could pack one of those pockets with squeeze-friendly cheese in a Capri-Sun-like foil packet and suck down some calories on demand?

Bam! The idea was huge, the market enormous. Our projections had us selling a billion units monthly by the end of the first year.

Projected global cheesepocket sales by billions of units sold.

Then the economy crashed and our presentation was lost forever.

The Dawn of CBQ

Fast-forward to 2005. A garage door on a new home needed to be installed. The homeowner didn’t have the money to pay a skilled worker. He lacked patience, too. So he recruited his brother-in-law, a Spanish teacher, and the two of them set up that garage door inside of two hours. Was it straight? No. Did it roll up and down easily? Absolutely not. But the job was done.

That effort spawned Crooked But Quick, aka CBQ, with my business partner and brother-in-law. He has a different day job now, and I’m the one teaching him Spanish, but CBQ is Martha’s Vineyard’s leading fake construction company.

We have multiple divisions, including HVAC (CBQ Chill), electrical (CBQ Spark), and plumbing (CBQ Flow.) Our tagline:

Do you want the job done right? Or do you want it done now?

My business partner runs our social media and branding efforts, and we are growing at an unheard of rate. We’ve probably tripled our followers in the last year alone.

What is W/AI?

How does W/AI fit into this portfolio of startups? If you were to wrestle a confession out of me, I might admit that W/AI is not just a fake consulting firm, but a commentary on how ridiculously AI-crazed the business world has become. The billboards, commercials, and banner ads would have us believe that all you need to do is add a little AI to anything to make it better. Outside Logan Airport, Dell lets you know that they’re fixing race cars, world hunger, and the movies with AI.

The other day I told my son I slipped AI into his bagel. He said it tasted like robots.

Or how about a new pair of socks with AI? Sure, why not:

Look closely and you’ll see that this AI-generated image points out the “integoranted imppmncets” that everyone wants in their socks.

This AI-everywhere marketing madness has denuded the definition. What is Artificial Intelligence, exactly? Here’s what AI expert Daniela Rus and I write in The Mind's Mirror:

The terms “artificial intelligence” and “machine learning” are frequently used interchangeably, but they are distinct academic technical fields and serve distinct roles. AI’s overarching goal is to craft systems capable of executing tasks that typically require human intelligence. This can range from recognizing patterns to more complex functions like playing games, moving in the world, perceiving the world, reasoning, problem-solving, understanding natural language, and even learning. Although many AI systems can learn from data to establish and improve their performance, this is not a prerequisite. An AI chess program…

We go on for several more pages, so I’ll stop. This stuff is just not that easy to define, and all these “with AI” campaigns make it so much more difficult. You know what you’re getting with Cheesepockets. The same with Crooked But Quick. But I’m not sure anyone understands what it means when a product now comes with AI, or if it means anything at all.

W/AI isn’t necessarily going to help this problem, and making fun of something or someone isn’t always productive. I learned that lesson many years ago at a high school party on the South Shore of Long Island, when someone who was on the receiving end of what I thought was a very clever and intelligent joke on my part turned out to be the member of a rather large and intimidating gang. Whoops!

Ideally we’d stop pretending to add or actually adding AI to everything. Bagels should be left alone. Socks, too. AI tools shouldn’t be forced on unsuspecting users, either, and not because autonomous agents are going to steal your credit card number and buy themselves extra cloud compute time. My frustration with this trend stems from the idea that AI is supposed to enhance productivity in the workplace, but it often has the opposite effect.

A few months ago, I switched to the no-frills text editor Notepad because it was the one remaining word processing program that didn’t interrupt me with helpful tips or tricks while I was drafting a piece. Now, with the latest Windows release, even Notepad comes with AI. Yet it hasn’t bothered me yet, so I don’t mind.

There’s a little magical pen icon on the toolbar. It’s black and white and doesn’t sparkle or shine, dance or ask me if I want help. I know it’s there, and that I can tap into it on demand, but I don’t have to use it, and it’s not going to bother me while I’m thinking deeply about something.

This is how these tools should be implemented: They should be readily available and easy to use when you want, but otherwise out of the way.

A little like a cheesepocket.

*

Please share this post through one of the buttons above, or click the little heart if you liked it, so I know what’s working. And thank you for reading!

*

If you have a favorite W/AI example, let me know in the comments below, or reply to me directly. You’ll be eligible for an unpaid but fulfilling senior position at the firm.

*